People playing Pokémon...gotta catch 'em all!

Game Boys are inherently evil
GCHS, lunchroom - November 4th, 2004--
Students were seen playing Game Boys in the lunchroom today during 6th period. These two students, Josh Aleksich and David Carlson, are known trouble-makers. The two were playing Pokémon, the popular monster-catching game, during their lunch hour to pass the time. Aleksich was playing the Red version, while Carlson was playing the Blue version. "I have seen the promised land," said Carlson, "and it is filled with Game Boys." But the lunchroom was not a promise land today, as about half-way through the period, two security guards appeared and snatched the consoles.

One security guard showed up and took Carlson's Game Boy away from him -- while he was in the middle of a game! He then asked Aleksich to hand his over, as well. "He didn't ask us to turn them off or anything," explained Aleksich, "he just demanded that we hand them over." Aleksich refused to hand his over -- a daring move -- and after another security guard showed up, both teens were taken to the Deans' Office.

The dean explained to them: the student handbook clearly states that Game Boys are not allowed in school. This is true. The handbook declares that no "form of portable entertainment may...be used during school hours." The handbook, like the Bible, should be followed word-for-word. (We'd just like to point out that in the Table of Contents in the handbook, "portable entertainment" is called "Possession of 'Toys.'" We thought this to be hilariously funny...haha..."toys.") Aleksich claims even the dean thought the rule to be unfair, but nonetheless the boys had their Boys confiscated. "Now how am I going to catch 'em all?" questioned Aleksich, aggravated.

The Game Boys were to be returned to the teens at the end of the day.

The two students had a negative reaction to the event. "We live under a repressive regime" where "the rules [are] taken too seriously," Carlson explained. "My Sunny-D totally got warm," complained Aleksich, adding, "I hope no one wonders why everyone hates school."

But is this rule so bad? The G-Lake Newz did its own research to find out!

No! This rule is completely justified. Not only does the game Pokémon promote horrid, graphic violence, but the game console itself can also be used as an instrument of destruction. For instance, these Game Boys can be used as projectiles, flying through the air, and probably blowing up on impact. These weapons of class(room) destruction can also be used to bludgeon someone to death.

For example, some innocent student could be sitting there, doing nothing (in this case he is playing with a Game Boy, but this situation is used to illustrate the point that, even if the player means no harm, harm can still be done), when all of a sudden some madman runs up, takes the Game Boy, and proceeds to beat the poor student with its hard plastic casing! This could have happened to Aleksich and Carlson, and this could happen to you!

But all joking aside, the security guards are not to blame for this fiasco. They're mindless robots doing what they're told and not stopping to question the rules. They're kind of like Javert but less French.

So be warned -- you are not allowed to have any form of portable entertainment while school is in session. If Aleksich and Carlson are caught again with their Game Boys, the consoles with be confiscated for the remainder of the year. They will also be forced to clean the heroin needles out of the bathrooms and the blood from the walls for their unforgivable crime.

Article written by Justin Brown
The students mentioned gave permission to the G-Lake Newz to use their names. No other names were used.
Photos by Justin Brown. Kid playing Game Boy: Parker Brown.
If you didn't catch the point of that last line there, it was supposed to highlight the fact that the school wastes its time on petty things.