Xiao Me demonstrates the proper grip guaranteed to keep a tricky calculator in your hands.

Like acid, people at GCHS are always dropping calculators (but with calculators, the trip happens before the dropping). It's something that happens to everyone, yet no one likes to talk about. This could be because it would be stupid to talk about dropping calculators...but hell we'll do it anyway.

Random guessing has shown that at least five calculators are dropped every passing period. It may seem silly to worry about, but with each drop, the owner may have just broken his or her hundred-dollar math tool. When was the last time you dropped your calculator? Why are you still reading this?

Not only does it make the owner worry, but dropping a calculator also brings embarrassment, along with the cringes of everyone in earshot.

The G-Lake Newz talked with several students about dropping calculators. Aside from the strange looks and pompous smirks, we got some real answers. Every person we talked to had dropped their calculator at least once, and normally on a weekly basis. These students should not be looked down upon, because we all drop calculators, and these were the souls brave enough to share their stories. (These students should actually be worshipped because they are mentioned in the G-Lake Newz).

Nicole Sintic, a junior, drops her calculator "like 10 times a week." "I dropped a calculator in freshman year," she reminisced, "and it just stopped working." Sintic didn't let her parents find out. "Somehow" she procured a new one, and has lost several calculators since then.

Tony Gianneschi, another junior, and quite sexy, has never broken a calculator. "I've never broken a calculator," he clarified. "I've dropped it plenty of times, I've just gotten lucky." He drops his calculator about 5 times per week. When asked what else he drops, he replied, "I drop pretty much just the calculator."

Homecoming King Walden Nelson was kind enough to pause from reading to answer some questions. He drops his calculator "at least once a day" but has never broken it. In fact, he's had the same calculator throughout high school. He drops just his calculator -- but why does he drop it? "I drop it because it's made in China, not Japan." Walden, we love you.

Senior Jessie Cobian drops his "once a week," and Sam Schertz drops hers twice a week. "I feel embarrassed when I drop it," explains Sam. She didn't actually say that -- we made up the quote and she said it was fine. Both of them drop only their calculators.

Jenny Speer, a girl, drops her calculator once a week. But she doesn't feel embarrassed when it happens: "I like when people look at me." Sometimes her books fall, too, for which she blames the minimal amount of surface area on the top of the desks.

All of the people we talked to had experience with dropping calculators. What makes this so common? The most frequent response was that the calculators are small.

We here at the G-Lake Newz are all about change and innovation--

The Big TItty Momma 83 Million Plus

So we decided to take a stand against all this calculator dropping. Since the small size of the calculators was the main complaint, we thought: "why not advance the technology so we can have bigger, easier-to-hold-on-to calculators?" The calculator companies, especially Texas Instruments, haven't yet been able to make large calculators (because they're not as smart as they claim to be).

Well being the breeding ground for technological advancement that G-Lake Newz HQ is, we have created the most cutting edge calculator the world has ever seen -- the Big TItty Momma 83 Million Plus. "Tty" stands for..."talk to your." This model has several advantages: first, you practically can't drop the thing -- since it's so heavy, carrying it at all will prove futile. Second, because of its size, if someone laughs at you for it, all you have to do is kill them. With the BTM83MP, killing will be easy. Just point and throw. Thirdly, you can be legally blind and still use the calculator thanks to its patented "Really Effin Big Display" technology, or REBD.

So once again the G-Lake Newz proves itself to be far superior to practically everything. Enjoy reading it while you can, because soon we'll convert to elite tongue that no mortal can understand.

-Article written by Justin Brown
-The students mentioned gave permission to the G-Lake Newz to use their names. No other names were used. (Xiao Me is not real, if you didn't know)
-Person who spent the time to remove the red-eye in the picture, just to end up covering the eyes with a black bar: Justin Brown