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The state of Illinois, which requires students in public schools to participate in four years of physical education, prides itself with State Goal 20: "Achieve and maintain a health-enhancing level of physical fitness based upon continual self-assessment." What the state has failed to realize, however, is that American teenagers are still fat.
Recently hired GCHS music teacher Richard Wheelson believes that he has found the solution to this and many other problems facing today's youth. "While the pursuit of a robust figure may be important for physical health, the mental aspect is completely ignored in our schools," Wheelson said. "What the students need is self-discipline, not five-minute abs."
With the contention that the study and practice of music provides this self-discipline, Wheelson has succeeded in implementing a mandatory four years of music education for all GCHS students, which will commence in the fall of 2005.
General music classes will take place on Monday and Friday, but Tuesday through Thursday will house what Wheelson is truly excited about – Music Club. Each day will be an adventure as students choose to fulfill specific musical requirements. One day students may be required to master a classical piece on three different instruments and another day they may have to transpose an entire symphony into another key.
"For some students, it will be very difficult, even if they put forth a lot of effort. Others just might not take it seriously. Either way, I'll fail their asses," Wheelson said matter-of-factly. "If you're fat or lazy, you'll fail gym and you'll fail in life. If you're musically inept or lazy, you'll fail in my class and you'll fail in life. Do you see the parallel I'm drawing here? I don't give a flying fart if you enjoy sketching portraits or playing on the computer or launching rockets -- for four years, your best interest will be what the State says it is."
Wheelson claims that he does not care if most of the students dislike the course. "Kids 18 and under don't know what's best for them. I mean, when does pubic hair begin to grow? At age 17? At that stage, the kids are ignorant and lethargic. They need the State to whip them into shape and they need a man like me to teach them the art of music."
Some scholars doubt that mandatory learning is effective, such as Dr. Julius Henry. "The kids at a school like GCHS is takin' like four years o' English and maybe a couple o' math. They has to take these classes, ya see? The thing is, they ain't learnin' nothin'. America's kids is still pretty much stupid as hell. Yessuh, mark my words."
In regards to the issue of whether required courses are an effective means of education, Wheelson asks, "did I say that any of this was going to teach the kids anything? It might, but I can't guarantee it. The real purpose of it all is to expose our young to Social Darwinism. Hey, if Fattie over there can't run seven laps in gym class, he'll learn about the word ‘failure' the hard way. The same goes for obligatory music education: if you aren't born with the gift of composing, playing, and understanding music, too bad. My best advice is to depart from your natural talents and be good at what we tell you to be good at."
Article written by Dr. Chacho. Edited by Justin Brown.
Editor's note: what's scary is that required music education would benefit
students more than does P.E., and would be less ridiculous.
Requirements:
| English | 3 years |
| Math | 2 years |
| Science | 1 years |
| Social Science | 2.5 years |
| Everything else | elective |
| Physical Education | 4 years |