Waffle Day Massacre

Students' day of fun gets DESTROYED by mindless superiors

Standard Waffle Iron

Thursday, December 9th, 2004, several students during 6th hour lunch almost burned down the entire school building. It went like this:

On Tuesday, December 7th, some associates and I were sitting around the lunch table. "This is very boring," we decided. "You know what would make everything better?" one student posed. "What?!" we all questionedexclaimed. "Waffles," he said, with the wisdom I thought only God could possess. That was it. Waffles were the answer to all of our problems.

But "waffles" in itself is not a plan. We couldn't just sit there and have "waffles" happen. We needed tools -- something to make "waffles" happen. "I've got a waffle iron," Josh Aleksich said. "Me too!" said David Carlson. Well damn, we were really gonna do this thing. Thursday seemed like a good day, because obviously waffles hold syrup best on Thursdays. Carlson took out paper and a pen, and we assigned roles. I had the extension cord and the butter, Josh had the batter, Dave had another iron, Carl had cups, Jessica had syrup (and sparkling grape juice), Laura had the plates. Wow...this was really going to happen.

Wednesday we reviewed what each of us was to bring. We also reviewed that the waffle day idea was really damn cool. Thursday finally came, and each of us was nervous that the others didn't bring their stuff. Was it really possible for a group of teenagers to be dependable...for anything? We had to wait until 6th period to find out. I showed up first with my bag-o-extension-cords-and-butter, then Carl with his cups, Jessica with her syrup...and JOSH! Josh had brought the waffle iron! Dave followed up with his waffle iron, and Laura with the plates. We "borrowed" some plastic silverware to eat with.

Josh procured the batter (that he had so heroically made the night prior (with cinnamon added in, no less!)) and we set up the scene. We used an outlet that was on the wall, and used the extension cord and a plug strip to supply the irons with power. As soon as that first glob of ladled batter hit Josh's iron, we had a teacher on us. "Did you guys get permission to do this?" "We didn't know we needed permission." "You guys should have gotten permission to do this." "Look, it's not in the handbook or anything, it's fine." The teacher then began to...tell us what to do? Yes. The teacher was giving us "tips" on how to make waffles. Why? We still haven't figured it out. One of the instructions included "you guys on that side of the table get over here and help him make the waffles." Yeah how about you leave us and our waffles the hell alone...whore.

We continued to make waffles. Aside from David's iron lacking "non-stick technology," the waffles came out perfectly. And they were delicious. I've never tasted anything so heavenly while in a school cafeteria. And of course, because there was good food in the cafeteria, something had to be done about it by the higher powers. As soon as administrators entered the room, the "helping" teacher just happened to go over to them and alert them to the waffle-making. Well the administrators, obviously wanting to rid themselves of this teacher as quickly as possible, agreed with her that making waffles in school was immoral and wrong.

The teacher again approached us, saying gleefully that we "weren't to make waffles anymore, and to unplug the irons immediately." "We're going to finish the waffle that's in there," we said. "Well....they said that you had to--" "we're going to finish the waffle that is in this iron." We had all already had some good tastes of waffle, so we finished the last one up and took it out. Carl Hauck was outraged. He went to speak to the administrators (who had since left), leaving his quarter-waffle sitting on his plate. While Carl was gone, the security guard came to our table to tell us we couldn't do what we were doing. Now I mean, while that sucked, he was still cool about it. That's when the "helping" teacher waltzed over and respectfully said (and this is an exact quote) "mister security guard person -- they aren't allowed to be doing this." "I know," he said. SHE JUST CALLED HIM "MISTER SECURITY GUARD PERSON"!!! What a bitch.

Carl returned, principal in tow, and stood in view of our table. The two stood there talking for awhile, and of course the teacher went over to feel important as well. Josh...hahaha...Josh brought some waffle over to the principal and offered it to him. He declined. If only he would have tasted how delightful the waffles were... But alas, we had to shut down our operation. Why? Because of "safety precautions mumble mumble mumble." Josh, in his blind rage, took the syrup bottle and chugged it. He then slammed it on the table -- "leave the bottle!" he yelled drunkenly.

We all lamented what was once waffle day. "They shall call it 'Black Thursday,'" Carlson proclaimed. "Blackened waffle Thursday," Aleksich added. Jessica Roberts joined in, "I think it's sad to see they ruined it because we worked together as a team to bring all the parts together." "I think it's ridiculous that they think 17- and 18-year-olds can't handle a waffle iron," Laura Kenar said. "I'm stunned...speechless," said Carlson, stunned and almost speechless. "My parents don't feed me," Jenny Speer explained, "this was my only opportunity to eat this week." Carl Hauck followed with "I just wanted some fucking waffles."

Among this stupidity, Aleksich had an actual good point: "I agree with the administrators, children are not to be trusted. Thousands of people die every day from waffle iron-related issues. To argue that we should be allowed to use a waffle iron is to argue that we should put everyone's lives in jeopardy."

And so the first, and possibly the last, waffle day was a success. We all got to eat yummy waffles, and we made the day more interesting. It just goes to show that if we the students ran the school, everyone would be full of waffles... and we'd probably all be dead. But being dead and full of waffles is better than no waffles at all.