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Hi! I never thought I would say this, but I miss the Rampage.
In high school, the Rampage came out once a month, was kept in cool storage devices, and sucked hard. At the University of Iowa, the Daily Iowan, the school's paper, is delivered to your door everyday, filling the dorm hallways with clutter, and sucks really hard. Rampage, I miss you. Will I ever be able to escape from crappy student newspapers? Drowning amongst the children of the corn, Josh Eklow [12-16-04] |
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Dearest Justin,
I simply adore the G-Lake Newz (sp?). I can barely read and you still seem to make me laugh every time! I no longer attend GCHS (hahahaha in your face bitch!), but I do have a few memories of the rampage I would like to share with everyone. 1. [Name removed]'s famous "I am better than all of you" article. In it, he bashed the self-worth and moral fiber of essentially everyone in school except for himself. But hey, it was the Christian thing to do! Jesus LOVES it when you look down on non-believers! I think that's a direct quote from the book of...wait...wait no, it's from NOTHING. But hey, perhaps [name] just knows exactly what God wants and in that case, I apologize. 2. Someone reviewing Carl's band. I believe they called them a mix between Boxcar Racer (which I admittedly used to listen to, before anyone makes fun of me) and Nirvana (a band I have always despised). It was the most inaccurate description of anything ever. I remember Carl walking into Chemistry saying "Boxcar Racer and Nirvana?!?!?!?! Has (whoever it was) even listened to us??" It turned out the person who wrote it was in our class, but they most assuredly deserved our criticism of their review for they were an idiot. 3. That one time there was the picture of that kid who threatened to beat me up with a significant bulge in his shorts. Oh how I love karma. 4. Umm...there is no four. To be honest, the paper wasn't really that memorable. Anyways, now you can say the G-Lake Newz as an international fan base. Can the Rampage say that!?!?!?!??! CAN THEY!?!?!?!?! Forever Yours, Jon Fostar (Justin's pseudo-gay pseudo-lover) [12-11-04] |
| Sent after the above To the Catgofire Underground Newspaper Talent at the G-Lake Newz, Your mock-paper is so-so, but telling you that is not my purpose in writing this email. The reason I'm writing is because Mr. Fostar's letter reminded me of a few things when he mentioned the Rampage's review of Carl's band (I think they went by "Emergency Contraception"). The Rampage has had a great history with bands. When Without Aim played a show with one of Luke's bands (the name, lineup, and songs long since forgotten), we invited Benjamin to play opening music for us and Jesus Got A Haircut (the best ever Christian Deathmetal band out of Grayslake) to close for us. Now, Without Aim had been together for several months, and Luke's band had been together for about the same time (albeit under different names and lyrical cliches.) Benjamin's set and JGAHC had been rehearsed for a week at most. The show went off well. Here's where the Rampage enters the story. We'll call the author of the article on our show "Bad Review" (she's actually had that nickname in our circle for the past 4 years.) "Bad Review" wrote very nice things about Without Aim and Luke's Emo Shithouse, but then berated the "veteran bands" for seeming unpracticed and sloppy, as well as for taking themselves too seriously. The "veteran bands" she referred to were, again, a week old. On top of that, she said Jesus Got A Haircut took themselves too seriously. Let's ponder that for a minute. Jesus Got A Haircut is what we call "parody" or "tongue-in-cheek humor." That was my first experience with a completely incompetent reviewer in the Rampage. The second happened pretty recently, with Mr. Grieves and the Tragic. "Bad Review 2" (another girl, she still goes to your school, and sucks hardcore) came to one of the Mr. Grieves shows at the high school. Afterwards, she asked me a few questions about the band, so she could write a decent review. I told her that Joey and I both play guitar and Nick obviously plays drums. Most of the time, I played lead. We called ourselves psycho-jazzabilly. Anyways, if you didn't know for some reason, we were very adverse to having a bass player in our band or on our cds. "Bad Review 2" said that I played bass guitar in the review. This is stupid for several reasons. The first reason is that I obviously played an instrument with six strings that had a range in the treble clef. The second reason is that I told her I played guitar, most often lead guitar. I played chords and melodies on that guitar that are essentially impossible on a bass. Why? Because they're completely different instruments. Of all the stupid shit she said in that review (there was plenty), that was the worst. And most hilarious! Anyways, that was my gripe with the Rampage. However, let's not forget the best writer for the school newspaper, the glorious Joseph Anthony Falduto. He wrote some good stuff. End transmission, - Reverend Jeff Kelley |
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Dear kind Sir,
I hope to extend my most gracious thanks for your fine article on the dropping of objects by common folk. I personally have had many a problem in my collegian pursuits for a rambunctious jolly roger of a time: nary a night is there that does not play host to my spilling of many an ale. A certain lady Sandburg and gentleman Davis can bear witness to my folly. Although I have been dropping no more than fine lager, our yellow companions in the east cannot be saying the same can they now good chap! Har har har! We showed them a licking in the Opium War did we not? Anything for the Queen, God save her soul. Well I must be off, the Scotts down the hall have already begun a song without me, 'tis one of the Irish lass downstairs with a bosom worth spying from the tree-top, if you know what I mean! Best health & God bless, Mr. Matthew David Reynolds |